jess losing

NGL. I had 5 (!!!!) eggo buttermilk pancakes this morning for breakfast (with light syrup). then a couple of all white turkey dogs w/ wheat buns and some wheat thin chips with 3 slices of sharp cheddar cheese for lunch. I’ve had I don’t know how many peanut butter m&m’s (really not many) and I’m sitting here thinking i’d like to go out and get a burger and fries for dinner.

I don’t know why I used to find it so easy to say no to everything. But it is so fucking difficult to say no now.

Hate. my. life. 

ugh.

I’m going to try something new tomorrow. I’m going to set my alarm clock for 5:00 a.m. and go for a 30 minute walk. I’m also going to try writing Morning Pages which is the first project in The Writing Diet. 

It all feels very daunting right now. 5:00 a.m. especially. I’m not a morning person so we’ll see if any of this actually happens. 

It’s been quite a while since I felt motivated to lose weight. Each morning I get dressed for work I curse myself as some of my clothes are beginning not to fit again. Even with that, I still can’t find all the motivation I did last year. 

I’m coming to terms with my lower back and realizing that it’s in as good a shape as it’s going to get unless I lose weight and make it stronger. I’ve done nothing but think about that all weekend but do you think I’ve done anything about it? Noooooo. Of course not. That would be silly.

I went to sleep last night and woke up this morning with the same plan. Start counting calories again and work on losing. I weighed myself on my real scale and I’m at 225.2 which is still a good bit less than when I started last year. I figure the Wii scale probably cut off about 10lbs so I’m thinking I was actually around the 250 mark when I started this journey long ago…but I’m not sure.

What I do know is that some clothes are still big/loose on me, I can still squeeze myself into jeans a size smaller than I could last year, I get full much quicker and I’ve lost all my appetite for fast food. Please don’t get me wrong, I still eat it, just not as much. 

I ate decently good for breakfast and lunch today, decently meaning somewhat low-cal but it wasn’t the best I could have done. I made my oh so fave mexican style/taco soup tonight (I always use all white turkey breast instead of beef) but I didn’t want it for dinner. What did I do instead? Krystals my friend! I had 3 of those bad boys with some fries and 1 of the little chick things. I’m stuffed. The soup will be stored away in the freezer to make for quick lunches and dinners this week.

I’ve decided once it gets dark and I close the blinds (my house is soo shaded I have to get the sunshine in when I can!) I’m going to clear the floor of all the kitten toys (did I tell you I adopted two kittens last month?! Piper & Phoebe!) and I’m going to give my all the Julianne Hough’s Cardio Ballroom dvd. It’s about time I really tried that bad boy out. Crossing my fingers now that I don’t hurt myself (srsly).

Speaking of the oh-so-perky Miss Julianne, I pre-ordered her next DVD last night from Amazon. It’s called Dance With Julianne: Just Dance! There is no release date listed so who knows when I’ll get it but I don’t care. I just know that I want it. It looks as fun and upbeat as the Cardio Ballroom video. Is that all I ordered from Amazon you ask!?!? Oh you know me so well! Of course I ordered other items…

Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think
Diary of an Exercise Addict (bc I’m really curious about addictions)
Shiva Rae: Creative Core and Upper Body (dvd to try & build core & back strength)
Eating the Moment: 141 Mindful Practices to Overcome Overeating One Meal at a Time

I also have two other books that I’ve had since around March/April that I want to invest some time in…The Writing Diet: Write Yourself Right-Size & Move a Little, Lose a Lot. It’s like I have everything I need to lose weight except for the motivation. I just can’t seem to find it like I did last year. I have no excuses…just no wants. 

Well, time for me to take care of the soup and start picking up kitty toys so I can dance later! Wish me luck and I hope you are having a great weekend! Have a wonderful week!

An afternoon of my thoughts:

“Damn. I wish I had her body. Burger King sounds good.”

“I’d give anything for jeans to look like that on me. Do I want chicken or burger?”

“I like how you can see her shoulder bones and how small her neck looks. Should I get a regular meal or large? I really want a large fry but know I should just get a small.”

“If the camera puts on 10-15 pounds I wonder how thin she is in person. I would kill for a large coke right now.”

“If I eat a meal from Burger King I’m just going to feel really guilty so why bother? She has perfect hair. If I had her hair I’m sure I’d have more confidence.”

“Is 3:30p.m. too early for dinner?”

I cannot become what I want to be, by remaining what I am.

(via one-twenty-five)

I ate low cal today and that led to me eating NON-STOP so I feel disgustingly full right now. I know everyday is a battle. Tomorrow I’ll try again and will try to not eat everything in sight. 

I stocked up on good stuff this weekend. I forgot to buy a scale though. May do that tomorrow…hopefully.

I’ve decided I want a real scale.

Any suggestions?